The Truth About Being Misunderstood
For years, as long as I can remember, I’ve been misunderstood.
When I was a wee-little kid, I was a girl who wanted to dress in boys clothes and have short hair.
My grandma gifted me a blue and white checkered dress when I was about 7 years old. In front of the entire family at a shared birthday party, I unwrapped it from the box, lifted it in front of my face, pretending to take it in from laced head to the laced toe, and reluctantly pushed out a “… thank … you …”
In 5th grade, my class was playing math baseball. Finally, something I liked - sports. When it came to my turn, my teacher accidentally skipped me. The excitement of being the next batter up to striking out before even getting to the plate, sent me into a full swing of emotions.
I hid under my desk, crying, unable to communicate as to why. All eyes were on me now, but not for the reason I wanted. Everyone was, at best, confused. The teacher was also, at the time and still holds a special place in my heart, my favorite. (Hi Mrs. Johnson!)
“If I can’t even trust or be understood by my favorite person outside of my family, can I trust anyone?”
My first day of middle school was one of the scariest in my life - as least in the eyes of a typical 12 year old. I walked in with my short hair and even shorter, yet prominent hair, on my legs. But it wasn’t just my school who I now shared a building with, it was an additional three schools in the area. And with that, another group of cool kids.
All the girls I saw and wanted to befriend, had long hair, shaved legs, and wore different shades of pink. I stood out like a sore, blue, thumb.
The next day, my legs were shaved, my clothes were tighter, and I had made the decision I was growing my hair out. I was ready to be a “real” girl!
With all of this being said, I have almost 35 years worth of stories of being misunderstood.
And it has been only recently that I’ve realized what I thought was once a flaw, has actually been my superpower.
As a kid, we try to fit in because we’re attempting to gain confidence, safety, belonging, and love for community outside of our family - and sometimes, especially within our family. So, being anything other than in the in-crowd meant you were an outsider. Scary stuff.
But if you spend long enough being a true outsider in the in-crowd, it can get exhausting. Because you are now going against your natural tendencies and desires that make you, you!
You bite the inside of your lips so you don’t open your mouth and stir the pot.
You dress like everyone else because you don’t want to be bullied - even if it’s meant to be harmless.
You start to agree with people just so you aren’t the difficult one.
As an adult, at least for me, being an outsider who’s misunderstood, I started to get a craving to escape and find my own paradise.
But it’s not as simple as it may sound.
When I started that journey, it got very lonely. I found myself over-explaining, my energy was constantly being zapped by incongruent relationships, and incessant internal questioning “Is it me?”
Let me tell you the truth…
It IS you.
But not how you may think.
I’m not big on superhero movies, but I think their stories are helpful examples.
Can you think of ONE superhero who has not been misunderstood?
Every single one of them - Superman, Spiderman, Batman - have to shape shift into “real” human beings to attempt to be understood, resulting in living a double life of secrecy - therefore, never truly being understood.
They have to answer the calls no one else has the ability or knowledge to answer.
They go through some of the roughest life events someone can go through.
They have SUPERPOWERS that, even if they shared with others, would not be understood.
But through it all, what happens?
They save the world.
I’ve been on both sides of being misunderstood.
The side where I suffered…
Continuing to over explain why I am the way I am, why I like what I like, wear what I wear, see what I see, think what I think, believe what I believe - and getting frustrated at anyone who didn’t understand.
And the other side, where I smile…
Listening to people without the pressure to respond, wearing what I want without the pressure to please, liking what I like without the pressure of clarifying, seeing what I see without the pressure of sharing, thinking what I think without the pressure of being pigeonholed, and believing what I believe without the pressure of others’ ideas.
The problem about being misunderstood isn’t the actual misunderstanding.
It’s the need for being understood.
That is what brings on suffering, confusion, exhaustion, and true loneliness.
The girls that I thought were so cool in middle school weren’t actually the cool ones.
It was me.
(No hate to those girls, love them, and no idea what they may have been going through at that time - if anything - and their thoughts today. They didn’t make me change! I thought I needed to!).
The coolest thing about being misunderstood is having the ability to stand in so many different places while also standing exactly where you are being who you are.
There are a lot of people who don’t have the courage to stand somewhere different than their friends, partner, family, coworkers, political party, identity party, college clubs, and social circles.
But you, the person who is okay with being misunderstood, can stand anywhere with anyone because no matter where you are, you know you are your home.
And in your home, you are finally understood.
♥️
How has being misunderstood been a superpower in your life? How have you navigated life while being misunderstood? Leave something in the comments! I’d love to hear.
Til next time,
Shay
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